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Introduction to Key Concepts

Introduction to Teenagers

What children need to know: Scary Noises

By Karen

When a child – even an older child – claims to hear a scary noise, parents like to say that everything is okay, and the noises have gone.  If your older child or teenager is alone in the house, however, and they hear ’something’ they will need to have some clear strategies for dealing with the situation.

What is normal?

Dripping taps, branches scratching on windows, a neighbor’s dog or cat – these are all noises that we hear, but do not really listen to until we are paying attention.  If your child is in a heightened state of fear, usual sounds can easily become scary noises.

You can often ‘debunk’ scary noises by sitting quietly in the house with your children and listening for all the sounds that the house and the neighborhood normally make.  Hopefully when your child is alone and hears these sounds, they will know what they are and not be afraid.

Strategies

If your child is convinced that they have ‘heard something’ and they need to deal with it, these are some strategies for them:

• Turn up the radio or TV to drown out odd noises.
• If they can easily get there, they can go to a neighbor’s or friend’s house, locking the house behind them.  When they get there, make sure they know to notify you.
• If a child hears someone trying to break in, tell them to call the police  (you must have taught them what to say so the police can respond quickly).
• If they are home with a sibling, they should stick together and not seek out the noise, just in case.  As long as all the doors are locked and the windows are secure they should be just fine.

What children need to know: Safety while shopping

By Karen

Time and time again there are reports on television that a child has gone missing in a shopping mall or store.  In the US emergency services call these ‘Amber Alerts’.

When you are going shopping, teach your children these simple rules so that your excursion is safe and has a happy ending, no matter your child’s age.

1. Stay close to me (mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, cousin, etc)
2. If you want to stop and look in a window, tell me.  We will stop and have a look.
3. If you need to go to the bathroom, I will go with you or stand outside the door.  I will first find out if anyone is in there.  (Bathrooms are a place where people preying on children often go to wait for an unaccompanied child.)
4. We will all go to the same stores.  (You might have a plan ready before you go so the children understand where you are going and why.)
5. If I see you wander off, I will call you and you should immediately come back.

Cute things that children do

“Father Wishart”

As an elementary teacher in the 1970s I was often in charge of school assembly music.   I had to make sure each class knew the songs we were going to sing at that week’s assembly.

One week the school had decided on singing the latest version of the Lord’s Prayer, so I spent quite a bit of time teaching the children the song.  It was a hit when we all sang in unison for the next assembly.

After the assembly a first grader came up to me and asked me in all earnestness, “Ma’am, who is Father Wishart?”.  I thought about it for a moment and it dawned on me that he was asking about a part of our song ,’Our Father which art in Heaven’.  He thought we were singing ‘Father Wishart’.

After that I always made sure the first graders knew the right words our songs.

~ Karen

What children need to know: Road Safety

By Karen

Sometimes as adults we teach our children how to behave  when near roadways and then we rely upon them to do the right thing so they will stay safe.

It in important to remind them from time to time about unsuitable behavior near or on roads., not matter what their age.

Recently, a group of teenagers got off a school bus in front of me and started walking home.  One of them was messing around, fell into the path of a car and was badly hurt.

Accidents are so called because they are not meant to happen.  Don’t let your child be part of a statistic.

As children become teenagers, you can teach them about road safety from the perspective of a driver.

Once they get that license many teens believe that they are ‘all grown up’ and know all they need to about driving.  However, regardless of passing the driving test, they are still very inexperienced drivers, and can easily misjudge situations, timing, and their own level of skill.

When they are learning to drive, ensure to teach them defensive driving as well as the mechanics of operating the vehicle.

Go over your road rules with your children, especially if you see them doing something that could become a danger.  You can pose the question, “What do you think is the best way to handle this particular situation?”

This will engage your child in a discussion, where they can participate equally, rather than putting them on the end of a lecture, which may cause them to ‘tune out’.

What children need to know: Getting (Well) Dressed

By Karen

Many children want to be unique in the presentation of themselves to seek confidence in their own identity. In some cases, this may present a problem for parents, because the choices children make are not always appropriate for the occasion.

If you are struggling with the wardrobe choices your child makes, remember these important points:

Govern your child’s selections by allowing them to choose between appropriate outfits. This way, the child feels that they have made the decision about what they wear.

“Which of these three shirts would you like to wear with these pants?”

“Would you rather wear a dress, or a skirt and top?

Model appropriate choices according to where they are going. Casual activities and formal occasions differ, so to do the clothes they wear to school.  Teach them about wearing appropriate clothes for the occasion by modeling good choices, and one in a while discussing these choices with your child.

“On weekends I choose jeans and a comfortable shirt.  I can still look neat, but am comfortable enough to do some chores.”

“I know it would mean a lot to grandma is you were to dress up for dinner.  She is going to a lot of effort and this is one way we can show her how much we appreciate it.”

What you wear to work and how you wear it, matters.  The corporate dresser can tell their children that this type of clothing is expected in business, because it projects a certain type of professionalism to others.  So, too, does wearing a uniform, as this is also pride of presentation.

Many parents wear casual clothes for work, or work inside the home. No matter what you wear to work, you can teach your child about the importance of being neat and presentable to show that you have self-respect and that you understand what clothes are appropriate to specific situations.

Oversee what goes into or stays in your child’s wardrobe. This will get harder as children enter their pre-teens and teens, but most parents are the ones buying the clothes. You can help limit poor choices but helping to govern what you will and won’t buy for your child.

Stained or damaged clothing should only be worn when playing around the house, or when doing chores, or can be donated to organizations who will be able to use them.

Get organized. You can help your child make informed decisions about what to wear by separating clothes into ’school’, ‘play’, ‘chores’ and ’special’.  Put these clothes in different sections inside the wardrobe, or in different drawers.  This will help to eliminate arguments and confusion about what to wear for each occasion.

“Choose a dress from your ’special’ section,” is a far clearer instruction than “Put on something nice.”  As children get older they will be able to separate their clothes themselves.

Teach your children about making choices that reflect who they are, where they are going, and that they have self-respect, as well as respect for those around them.

What Children Need to Know: Telephones

By Karen

Teach your children how to answer the phone if you are out busy or out of the house.  Set up protocols so that they know exactly how to address the situation.

• Decide on a procedure and dialogue for answering the phone and practice it often.
• Decide whether you want your children to answer the phone if you are not home.
• Decide what you want your children to do should they answer and it is a prank call, or someone being rude to them.  What do you do if you are home  vs. what will they do if you are not?
• Decide what constitutes good manners while they are talking on the phone, and encourage them to use clear speaking voices (modeling is always a good way to show them).

Little children will sometimes pick up the phone and dial someone.  I am sure there are some parents wondering why the bills are so high.  Check your phone bills to ensure this is not happening.

Lastly, it is really important to teach your child HOW to call for an emergency.   Just dialing 911 may not be enough.  They will need to know their address and the reason for the call.  Is it medical, fire oriented, or are the police needed?

Cute things that children do

Caterpillars

When my daughter was just a toddler she loved being outside with her garden happy dad.  I always felt she would be fine outside.  The yard was fenced, the plants non poisonous and the outside temperature just right.  Imagine how puzzled I was when my toddler knocked on the back door to come in and her face was covered with brown fuzz and green and yellow slime.  She also had a big grin on her face.

I immediately called her Dad who was digging and asked him what she had been into.  He didn’t know because he hadn’t been watching ‘every minute’, but he last saw her over by the side of the house.  It seemed that she had found the place where the caterpillars had hatched.   My daughter was so enamored by their fuzziness and the way they wiggled, she had a little taste.  Her mouth was covered in Caterpillar fur and innards.

That same day, Dad got rid of the remainder of the caterpillars.

~ Lee

What children need to know: Personal Safety

By Karen

I am constantly amazed at parents who still ignore warnings to keep a very watchful eye on their children.

I was really happy to see all the parents who were with their children on Halloween making sure the experience was a happy and safe one.

Parents,  our children are precious.  Keep an eye on them but more than that teach them to be safe.

When I was teaching I had a great demonstration for the children in my class every time we would discuss stranger danger.  Whether the child was six or thirteen, I would use the same demonstration because all children think that they could fight their way out of a bad situation.  The truth is, they can’t.

My demonstration was to have any child volunteer to come to the front of the room, put their arms by their sides.  I then stood behind them and stretched out my arms.  Not being a very large adult, each child was confident they would be able to get away from the situation.  I would wrap my arms around them from the back (having received parental permission and sometimes even having the parent do the demonstration) hold onto the child’s wrists and cross one of my legs around in front of the child.  Then I would tell the child to struggle as hard as they could to get away.  Making sure the demonstration ended before anyone was ever hurt, the child being held always found that they could not get away.

The culmination of this demonstration was to allow the others to ask as many questions as they liked.  A sample of these questions ranged from:

1. Did you try really hard to get away?
2. Did it hurt?
3. How did you feel?

Invariably the children would admit they tried hard, it didn’t hurt, but they felt helpless.

I learned this demonstration from police officers, who are constantly amazed that children believe they are going to be okay if ’snatched or grabbed’.

Your child needs to learn how to take care of themselves.

• Make sure they know to run if someone they don’t know tries to come too close and coax them into going with them.  When they run, they should scream or yell as loud as they can.
• Teach your child to find the closest place that is safe and to tell the nearest adult what is happening.  It is an excellent idea to walk the route between home and school and identify neighbor’s homes, or businesses where they would be safe.  You can also check with your child’s school to see if there are designated safe houses in the area.  Show these to your child.  Many parents would advise run to the nearest house and knock on the door.  This is not ideal.  People may appear to be home, but do not answer the door for their own reasons, or your child may just be putting them self in further danger.
• If the child is close to home, get them to lock the door behind them, and if no one home call the police to help them.

Figuring out what is best for your child is a family responsibility and together you can figure out more ways for them to stay safe.   Teach this lesson often or question your children about what they would do in this situation.  Make sure they remember how to look after them self.

Last but not least, the best way to make sure your children are safest is to supervise them as much as possible.

Guidelines Part 3: Implementing Rules

Discuss and Explain

Once you have established the rule(s), you need to sit down with your child at a time when they are displaying appropriate behavior. This is called ‘catch them being good’ (See Reward in Teenagers / Consequences in Children), and is a useful way to reinforce good behavior, as well as establishing your expectations and getting your child’s behavior back on track.

THE STEPS

1. Explain to them that you are pleased with how polite/helpful/neat they have been that day, but that you are concerned, because they have started to behave in a way that you do not like, and does not reflect what you want for them.

2. Tell them there are some new rules, and go through them one by one with your child. Use examples of when they have done the right thing and then the wrong thing.

As the rules are expressed succinctly, you may need to explain what you mean by ‘neat’, ‘polite’, or ‘respectful’. Be prepared to explain the key ideas and words that make up the rules.

Younger children may not be able to take in more than one rule at a time. You will need to gauge whether or not your child has understood each rule before moving on to the next one. This could take several small discussions (possibly over subsequent days). Do not be discouraged. Each time you sit down to talk about the rules, revise what you talked about last time, and use this revision as a starting point for the next discussion.

3. Ask your child how they think you feel when they do the wrong thing. Empathy is a powerful tool to get your child to think about others. “How do you think it makes me feel when I cook you a lovely dinner, and you get up and walk away without helping to clean up afterwards?”

Often the response will be, “I don’t know.” This is deflection. Most children when pressed can tell you that this makes you feel unappreciated, annoyed, or even exhausted at the prospect of having to clean up by yourself. You may need to coach them along the path to empathy, but your child can (begin to) understand how their actions, or inaction, make other’s feel.

If they are very young, you can ask her how she felt when someone did the wrong thing by them. “How did you feel when Jennifer hit you?” and then ask her to imagine how John felt when she hit him. Thinking about their own feelings first is a useful tool to access their empathetic feelings.

When your child is thinking about others’ feelings, they are more likely to understand why a rule is being instigated. Your child will not love you any less because a rule comes into play. They may be angry initially, but rules show that you love them and that you care. Use this point to reinforce that you are setting the rules because you want the best for them.

Consequences Part Five: Extreme Behavior

Despite all your preparations for setting and enforcing (new) rules and implementing consequences, be prepared for the unexpected.

If your child does something terrible, and/or has really upset you with their behavior, then consider telling your child you need some time away from them.

It is best that you do not try to issue a consequence in a heightened emotional state. You may say something you regret, or may issue a consequence that is difficult to administer. It is best if you take some time to be on your own.

If you can leave them with a child minder or a family member, do so. Leave the house, go for a walk, clear your head. If not, they can go to their room or into the back yard – just away from you.

This will give you time to calm down and think of a suitable consequence. When you eventually talk to your child about what they did, calmly ask them to tell you what happened. Often seeing you so angry or upset is enough for the child to realize they have really messed up, and that what they have done is serious.

In this instance, it is likely that your child will be contrite and will willingly accept the consequences. You can even ask them what they think is an appropriate consequence. They may surprise you by suggesting something completely justified, allowing you to agree that this is fair.

If your child is unapologetic, even after a period of contemplating their actions, ask them to imagine how it made you feel. Evoking empathy in your child is a powerful way to get them to understand that unacceptable behavior has serious consequences.

Whether the child suggests a consequence, or you issue it, end the conversation by asking for an apology, and reinforcing that you are upset by/disappointed in/angered by the behavior. Your child must know that you love them, even if you greatly dislike the way they have behaved.

Next: Catch Them Being Good